Ay dios mio. In the course of writing these recaps I’ve learned three things:
1) Never assign yourself something fun because it will inevitably turn out to be a nightmare
2) A show like this is only fun to watch when you’re actually invested in a character’s outcome, er, I mean, person’s outcome and
3) There are a lot of crazy people out there.
Mi gente, I seriously hope we get a do-over on the Latino Bachelor. This one was no bueno. I found myself drinking copious amounts of wine trying to remember joy and happiness aka Victoria on episode 2, which isn’t really the way I see these TV shows playing out.
BUT IT’S DONE. WE MADE IT YOU GUYS! WELL, I MADE IT! AND NOW I HAVE TO RELIVE IT TO WRITE THIS. SO MANY FEELINGS.
Let’s set the scene:
We’re in St. Lucia. Juan Pablo now has two girls who want to become his wife: Clare, the part Mexican, ready-to-be-married-RIGHT-NOW, hot-tub loving, 32-year-old hairstylist from Sacramento and Nikki, the blonde, I’m-confident-i-got-this-on-lock, 26-year-old pediatric nurse (“so-I-must-be-a-good-person”) from Kansas City.
The two each get to meet Juan Pablo’s family, including his brother, his sister, his cousin Rodolfo (who talks the most because I think he knows the most English out of the family), his mom, his dad and Camila. First up is Clare. “She’s from Sacramento – and I’m not going to tell you anything else,” Juan Pablo tells his family. I have a sneaking suspicion that’s all he remembers of Clare anyway, you know, along with her name, but whatever.
They meet and Clare’s lack of Spanish is immediately brought up. “My mom’s Mexican,” she says. “My whole family speaks [Spanish], but I don’t speak it.” CLARE AND I ARE KINDRED SPIRITS AT THIS POINT SO NO MORE BASHING THIS GIRL. Just kidding. Kind of.
She then points out Camila’s earrings. “You have your ears pierced?” she says. (Duh, Clare. We Latinas tend to do that early on.)
Rodolfo hangs out with Clare and realizes how desperate, I mean, ready, she is for marriage. He comments that she’s “an angel,” so obviously he likes her. “I’m not saying she’s begging for [a proposal],” he tells Juan Pablo and the live studio audience watching laughs. HAHAHA A GIRL ON THE BACHELOR ACTUALLY WANTS TO GET MARRIED, HOW FUNNY! Wait…
Juan Pablo’s mom meets with Clare and basically tells her to run away from her son. I wish I were kidding. She says something like “he is sometimes rude," and “he has made me cry too,” and other indications that he’s probably not the nicest guy, ever. But Clare isn’t really seeing red flags. She’s seeing a finish line.
And all in all, the meeting goes well (well, in Clare’s mind) and she’s is feeling confident.
Next up to meet the family is Nikki, who technically has already met the parents and Camila at a dance recital, so we know she’s feeling pretty confident. They sit and chat, and Nikki meets with his mom who asks how she sees a weekend being with Juan Pablo. “Well, I know he has Camila on the weekends,” she says, before offering up activities like going to the park or the pool and basically just being a normal family. Apparently, that’s not what Juan Pablo does on the weekends. “You will wake up, have breakfast, stay at home, watching TV with Camila. He’s simple. Normal guy.” Um, EXCITING. When Nikki asks if she thinks he’s ready for this, she responds with: “I am pretty sure he’s ready for this.” IF THAT’S NOT A RED FLAG I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT IS.
Rodolfo meets with Nikki as well and likes her too. “At the end, it’s his decision,” he tells the camera.