Bachelor Recap: Juan Big Heartbreak

ABC

If we were Juan, at this point we’d be saying “ay ay ay ay ay.” (Which is pretty much all he says, all the time. Well, that and “I understand.”) This episode we got a bit of everything: kissing, tears, fights and surprises!

The girls head to Miami, which Juan considers his hometown, and Sharleen nabs the first one-on-one date. There are no roses on the one-on-ones this week, since they’re down to six girls and two have to go home.

Sharleen is feeling very conflicted, seeing as she wants to suck Juan Pablo’s face off every five seconds, but doesn’t know if they have something more than that.

“I can’t figure out how they’re having a relationship,” Chelsie says and Clare asks the real question, “What is Sharleen?” (Proving my robot theories correct.)

Juan Pablo has chartered a yacht for Sharleen’s date, and the two hang out and make out for a bit before chatting – which basically consists of her telling him he’s “trouble,” and making all viewers want to vomit.

She tells Juan Pablo that she can’t imagine him meeting her family (red flag) let alone “one day becoming a part of it.” Um, that’s kind of how this works Sharleen. Winner doesn’t get a trip to the Bahamas – they get Juan Pablo!

Juan Pablo appreciates her honesty and tells her that he loves how she doesn’t try to impress him, which is weird because that’s kind of the point of the show, but sure. It’s very clear that Juan Pablo is totally into her, and she’s still thinking about it. No bueno.

She then says she “wishes she was dumber,” so she could just go forward with everything instead of overthinking it, and then Juan Pablo admits he likes hearing her talk because it helps him “learn the words.” No bueno times dos.

They continue to make out and the sound is SO LOUD. Why don’t they play music over this?! I DON’T WANT TO HEAR SLURPING.

During all of this, it’s a lot of Juan Pablo and Sharleen voiceovers, where they talk to the camera about WHAT THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT. Seriously, why can’t we just HEAR THE CONVERSATION? Are they making it up? Is this just a ploy? IS IT ALL A CONSPIRACY? Who knows. But I do know this is half of the reason why at this point many readers don’t identify with a certain relationship – we don’t actually get to see the cute stuff. We get to hear about it.

Find out who gets the next on-on-one on page 2 >>

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