Bachelor Recap 4: Juan Huge Mistake

ABC

Everyone’s excited, which is funny because I’m pretty sure no one had ever heard of this group before, but OK. Kat is REALLY excited, being a dancer and all and saying shit like “I’m a dancer, I’ve been doing it since before I could walk,” which seems like hyperbole but at this point I don’t even know what’s real anymore so sure.

Chelsie, the teacher who is always the optimist, says “This is like, the coolest! It was always a childhood dream to be a backup dancer!” DREAM BIG, CHELS.

They all change into crazy colored outfits and Juan Pablo puts on red pants which might give me nightmares, and they perform with the group at like, a mall? And Kat looks like she’s going into convulsions which is I guess what she considers dancing. It’s weird that Cassandra isn’t really showing off her moves considering her profession on the show is “former NBA dancer” but maybe that’s a part of the web of lies to make for a better TV show. Who knows?! IS HIS NAME EVEN JUAN PABLO?

At the end, Juan Pablo says “We’re not dancers, and everyone did a fantastic job.” Careful JP, don’t let Kat hear you say that! SHE’S A DANCER, GOSHDANGIT.

The second part of their date has them head to a courtyard with a bunch of lanterns, where Juan will get some private time with each girl. Kat becomes a normal person in her one-on-one meeting, as she explains to Juan Pablo that she has a hard time being vulnerable because her dad was an alcoholic and wasn’t around, while her mother kept everything together – so she worked hard to maintain the image of being strong and successful.

It then cuts to Nikki, talking to everyone about Kat behind her back. “I think Kat acts one way and then I think the cameras come around and it’s a whole different way,” which is funny because EVERYONE THINKS THAT ABOUT HER. And they all hate her. Every single person on the date talks about what a negative person she is, so sorry Nikki, you’re the worst.

Danielle’s one soundbyte comes during this time: “Nikki is a negative person, I don't feel that's a good role model for Camila,” she says, being the voice of reason. (UGH CAN WE GET MORE DANIELLE, PRODUCERS?!)

Nikki’s one-on-one is ridiculous with her saying things like “this has been hard for me,” and “it’s hard for me to open up,” which is funny because just three seconds ago she was seen opening up to COMPLETE STRANGERS about how much she doesn’t like ONE GIRL SHE’S KNOWN FOR A FEW WEEKS. But OK, Nikki.

Back at the hotel, there’s another date card. It’s for Sharleen, and the card reads: Are you my Seoul mate? (SEE, WE’RE NOT THE ONLY ONE HAVING FUN WITH PUNS!)

Sharleen shows no emotion, per usual, and says to the girls (with no hint of a smile), “I’m happy.” SHE IS A ROBOT, YOU GUYS. I’M SURE OF IT.

“I don’t know if I see chemistry in Juan Pablo and Sharleen’s relationship,” Clare states, which yeah, I guess it would be hard to have CHEMISTRY WITH A ROBOT. SHE’S A ROBOT, YOU GUYS! 

Back at the date, Nikki gets the rose and everyone hates her, which she acknowledges with the observation: “I got the rose again and I think everyone hates me.” YEP.

Elise puts everyone's feelings into words.... well, kind of: “Ew. Yuck.”

Read about Sharleen's date on page 3 >>

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