Bachelor Recap: Everybody Wants Juan-on-One Time

ABC

In the morning, Juan Pablo surprises the girls by fixing them arepas for breakfast. He wants to see them with “no makeup, no hair done” and Kelly is the first to come down (to let out her dog) and she covers her face with her hands. “I’m wearing glasses, no makeup, I’m not wearing a bra,” she tells the camera, shaking her head. WHAT DO YOU THINK HE’S GOING TO WAKE UP TO IF HE PICKS YOU KELLY? Then Renee comes down and being the angel that she is she’s totally unfazed and looks beautiful. Juan Pablo agrees. “Renee’s just natural. She doesn’t think about going up and fixing her hair. She’s gorgeous.” BOOM. +1 RENEE.

Danielle gets her second soundbyte of the episode and her first on-camera appearance since like… actually pretty sure this is the first time Danielle has talked to the camera. “I think he wants to see us in our more natural setting. Without all the makeup.” Beautiful observation Danielle, you can apparently fade into the background again until the producers need you. (But please come back soon, you seem to be one with brains. Is that why they don’t use your remarks?!)

Instead of a cocktail party, Juan Pablo says they should have a pool party, which is obviously a ploy to see skin, but fine. They all get into their bikinis and everyone talks about how everyone else transforms in front of the camera and is different around Juan Pablo – but not them! THEY’RE GENUINE! EVERYONE ELSE IS TERRIBLE. Kat tries to get Juan Pablo’s attention by jumping on his shoulders, and Kelly and the others are annoyed. “There are definitely girls who love attention. His head was in her crotch for 20 minutes,” Kelly says.

Sharleen gets really upset because pool parties aren’t her idea of fun. “Everyone has their own definition of fun,” she says. She then says, “you have to make a spectacle of yourself to be noticed, it’s not how I would be in the real world,” obviously forgetting that she SIGNED UP FOR THE BACHELOR. Like honestly, did someone tell her she was signing up for a humanitarian trip and then she got there and was like, oh shit, guess I’ll stay on cause he’s cute, I guess?

Sharleen then approaches Juan Pablo for some private time and talks about how she wants her soul to be left alone and cries because this whole thing is just too weird and he hugs her and strokes her back and she keeps saying sorry. And then she makes out with him, because that’s how I’d make myself feel better, too. But the girls see and it gets weird and Clare is particularly upset because she had the first date and it’s been FOREVER since she’s had one-on-one time with Juan Pablo and yadda yadda yadda. She ends up in the bathroom gushing about her feelings to – who else? – Renee, who if not picked should just become the resident Bachelor therapist and have a tag-team with Chris Harrison.

Sharleen speaks to someone else who tells her that Clare is upset because of all of it (aka seeing her man make out with Sharleen) and Sharleen says, “Are you serious?” obviously suffering from amnesia because she JUST CRIED TO THE BACHELOR ABOUT THE SAME DAMN THING. 

Juan Pablo comforts Clare and reassures her because that’s obviously his job now to all these girls (HAHAHAHA). She admits that she’s “not jealous, I just, I wish it was me,” which makes me think she’s forgotten what jealousy means.

Chris Harrison makes an appearance and they have to sacrifice another soul. Just kidding. He tells them they need to get ready for the rose ceremony.

Chelsie, Nikki and Cassandra are all safe, and Juan Pablo says this was the best day because he got to see them from “pajamas to bikinis to dress,” and they all laugh and isn’t this so FUN? But then their eyes turn to daggers because it’s go-time and they better. GET. THAT. ROSE.

First rose goes to Andi (who apparently kisses well) and the second goes to Renee. Then it’s Sharleen, Elise, Kat, and on and on. The last three are Lucy, Danielle and Kristy and there's only one rose left and I’m just thinking that hopefully it’s Danielle or Lucy, because at least they are interesting or crazy. I just refer to Kristy as one of the blonde girls.

He chooses Danielle and I’m just elated because this means MORE SOUNDBYTES FOR HER! HOORAY!

But Kristy leaves and the free spirit is freed and that’s that. Lucy ends on a positive, hippie note, per usual: “I hoped that it would work for me, but better that it happen now than later, when I cared more than I do. I hope everyone here finds everything they’re looking for. Every person deserves to have love.”

That’s really sweet and since she’s rumored to be dating the CEO of Snapchat Evan Spiegel, we’d say she’s doing alright.

What did you think of this week’s The Bachelor?

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Samantha Leal, Senior Editor

Sam edits and oversees all site content with a focus on fashion, beauty and lifestyle. When she's not working, you can find her watching way too many YouTube videos and reading (YA novels, mostly). Follow her on Twitter @samanthajoleal.

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