Bachelor Recap: Everybody Wants Juan-on-One Time

Juan Pablo plays soccer with the girls on The Bachelor

Ay, mi gente. Episode three is an interesting one, because this is the episode where things get more serious and everyone apparently forgets they’re on a reality show that they signed up for, stating such gems like “this process is weird,” “I don’t want a group date with all these girls,” and “my soul just wants to be left alone.” (Sorry, Sharleen, don’t you know that your contract mandates Chris Harrison feed on your soul if not picked? Mwahaha.)

Speaking of Chris Harrison, the emotionless man himself begins the episode by reminding the remaining contestants that it’s down to 15, and a dozen have already been eliminated (i.e. souls have been eaten.) (See above.)

Cassandra, the mom who we didn’t know was a mom until the last episode, has the first one-on-one date. They cut to Juan Pablo hanging out with his daughter and parents, and it’s pretty cute because BABIES and then they leave and Cassandra meets him at this weird looking, Jeep-like vehicle. Juan Pablo describes Cassandra as shy, which I guess is code for anyone not trying to make out with him every 5 seconds or asking him how to dance salsa.

Anyway, they are in this car and cruising by the beach, when he just turns into the WATER BECAUSE SURPRISE THE CAR IS A MAGICAL MACHINE THAT IS BOTH A CAR AND A BOAT AKA A TRANSFORMER.

I’m not the only one completely overwhelmed by this, because the camera pans to some old couples whose faces look like they just saw robots fall from the sky. GUYS IT’S A CAR THAT TURNS INTO A BOAT. IT JUST DRIVES RIGHT INTO THE WATER.

So they’re driving (boating?) around, and Cassandra is holding her hands up and Juan Pablo is driving like he’s a NASCAR driver and at one point I’m pretty sure the boat/car isn’t supposed to be at that angle at any time, but whatever. FUN! They end up at an even bigger boat and they jump into the water and they just kind of touch each other a lot like teenagers looking for a reason to make contact, and then they kiss. I gotta admit, it’s pretty cute.

At the house, Elise has admitted that her mother wanted to be a contestant on The Bachelor, and that she even wrote a letter to the show, but before she could send it she passed away. Renee is listening (because Renee is always the listener) and it’s pretty touching except for the fact that your mother’s biggest wish was for you to be on a reality show, but we guess it’s better she picked The Bachelor instead of like, The Real World.

See what else happened (hint: it gets weirder) on page 2 >>