In This Corner: Hillary Clinton vs. Sarah Palin

It was the VP selection that rocked this country’s presidential race. John McCain’s selection of Sarah Palin as his running mate definitely shook things up. Perhaps it was a decision made to draw Clinton supporters away from Obama’s camp, or maybe McCain chose her to energize the traditionally more conservative base of the Republican party. Who knows?

All we know is that we are sick and tired of everyone acting like you can just replace one woman with another and no one will notice their (profound) differences. So, since Hillary Clinton is refusing to take any direct hits at Sarah Palin we decided to throw them in the metaphorical ring and bring you a special edition of In This Corner: Hillary Clinton vs. Sarah Palin:

ROUND ONE: It’s the economy, stupid!

Clinton: Clinton supports the proposed 700 billion dollar bail out, as long as it comes with a hefty reform package and protects us little people. She has sharply criticized the current administration and the GOP for their consistent deregulation of the financial industry. She chastised both Bush and McCain for “downplaying the seriousness of the crisis that we currently face” even before it really hit the fan this past week on Wall Street. Did she know something we didn't?

Palin: It was kind of difficult to figure out exactly what Sarah Palin has been thinking about this whole economy thing since she hasn’t really been talking to the press. So, we’re assuming that she shares McCain’s view that the “fundamentals of the economy are sound”, oh wait, no they aren’t—not anymore. Maybe she doesn’t support the AIG bailout, oh wait, yeah she does now. Then there was a definite stance taken by the McCain/Palin ticket at the beginning of the week against the 700 billion dollar proposed bailout being touted by Bush’s administration, but now she says, “The United States could be headed for another Great Depression if Congress doesn't act on the financial crisis.”

Winner? This is a dead tie, because no matter the hell is going on, we just really don’t want to be responsible for bailing out millionaires who gambled (and lost) with our money once already.

ROUND TWO: Let’s talk about sex, baby.

Palin: Sarah’s so pro-life that she has said she wouldn’t consent to an abortion even if her own daughter was raped. Poor Bristol! She had no choice. Bristol’s unwanted pregnancy doesn’t come as a surprise since her momma, like Bush, believes in Abstinence Only sex education in schools. Palin also supports teaching creationism in public schools, the religious belief that all life and the entire universe were created in their original form by God…over seven days. No wait, six days, because on the seventh He was like, “Dude, I’m tired, I really need to rest” and thus, humanity was given Sundays.

Clinton: Hillary believes that we must safeguard all of our constitutional protections, including the right to choose. Clinton has been quoted as saying, “I am and always have been pro-choice, and that is not a right any of us should take for granted.” She also supports late term abortions, but only in the case of a serious risk to the life or health of the mother. She does not believe in teaching creationism in school and supports comprehensive sex education, including providing teens with information on STD’s and methods of contraception.

Winner? Clinton, hands down. Who knows what decision each individual woman will make, but the point is, we believe in choice. Between the abstinence only education and the absolute rigidity of her views on abortion, Palin seems to think women are baby making receptacles and should accept our place in society as such. Also, no knocking anyone's religious beliefs, but should my kids have to learn someone else's faith as fact?

ROUND THREE: Run for the Borders!

Clinton: Hillary believes that the country needs far reaching immigration reform laws and as soon as possible. She did vote for the fence between Mexico and the United States, but she also introduced a bipartisan measure to reunite thousands of lawful permanent residents in this country with their spouses and minor children.

Palin: We all know that Sarah can see Russia from her house, but how would she react if any Russians tried to cross the Bering Straight into the good ol' US of A? Honestly, she hasn’t really expressed views on illegal immigration (are you noticing a trend here?). The only definitive stance we know she took in Alaska was tightening restrictions on drivers licenses for illegal aliens back in 2006.

Winner? Clinton! She supports comprehensive immigration reform and has championed for the cause in the senate. John McCain (again the only barometer we can use to gauge Palin’s views here) once supported these changes as well, even co-sponsoring the DREAM act with Senator Clinton, but in a flip flop move never before seen since the invention of the pancake, he has been recently quoted as saying he would definitely vote against it if elected to the presidency. We already know Palin likes to shoot wolves from helicopters. Let’s hope she doesn’t add immigrants to that list.

Read on for rounds four through six of In This Corner: Hillary Clinton vs. Sarah Palinto see who wins this all out political brawl!