"My Breasts Are Still Not Big Enough for Boob Sex"

"My Breasts Are Still Not Big Enough for Boob Sex"
iStock

As a preteen, I was as flat as a board. All I had were nipples, and they were the size of cabinet knobs. As you can imagine, this made me feel pretty insecure as a young woman. I felt puberty missed me all together. It didn't help that puberty had blessed  older sister with a pair of DDs.

MORE: An Orgasm A Day Can Keep Prostate Cancer Away, Study Says

I tried everything to get a great rack. I even practiced the breast-pumping exercise from Judy Blume's iconic novel Are You There God? It’s Me Margaret. But,God didn’t hear Margarite and he didn't hear me, either. 

I didn’t even grow a cup size as a young college student. At 21, I was still a small A. I could have worn a training bra, for goodness sakes! But, I always wore bras that enhanced my bust. I never ever went braless. Even in 100 degree weather, I proudly wore those puppies under a tank top. I also never ever wore bras without padding. Oh, the money I spent purchasing Victoria Secret’s Miracle bras! I was filled to the brim with chicken cutlets. A miracle, indeed.

My pretend boobs caught up to me as a college junior, when I finally messed around with a long-time crush. My bra had to come off. He had never seen me naked and would soon realize that I was the unfortunate President of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. Top and bra off, his look was one of shock and pity. But he was a man in heat, which is why he tried to Titty Fuck me anyway. "Bang away, man," I thought. "You ain’t coming anytime soon."

Now, at 37 years old, I’m knocked up. My first thought upon learning the news was, “Yay, I’m having a baby!” My second was, “Yay, I’m finally getting boobs!” My partner was just as excited for our baby boy as he was about the bad boys that would sit perkily on my chest. “Your breasts will finally be big enough for boob sex,” he beamed.

Except, they’re not. I am 18-weeks pregnant, and I’m still a B cup, the same size I was before pregnancy.

What gives, God? Why can’t you bless me with pregnancy boobs? Ok, you didn’t give me morning sickness or nausea, and I haven’t gained much weight, but my hombre really wanted to stick his pene in between my tetas and ride them like a porn stud. Still, I think we’re going to try boob sex. This pregnancy might not have increased my bust size but maybe, just maybe, I can push my itty bitty’s together and help my man combust. Let's hope so.

PLUS: Having Kids Could Improve Your Sex Life