NSFW: Sex Toys That Are Absolutely Terrifying

Unlike decades past, there are a plethora of sex toys at our disposal. Whether you want to get freaky with your partner, or have a stimulating night with a party of one, you can find a sex toy for whatever you desire. And whatever body part you want fondled.

But not all sex toys are created equal. Some cater to beginners; women who squeal when in a sex shop or are only venturing into the dark side because a friend bought them a vibrator. There are also sex toys for pros. That’s when you peep the selection and dash out of the store, horrified. What do you even do with that?!

It's a mystery – one that can be solved if you dare take on these intimidating gadgets:

1. Death by Orgasm 10 Speed Scorpion Bullet Vibrator

Death by Orgasm 10 Speed Scorpion Bullet Vibrator

Um, who wants a scorpion-like sex toy near their clitoris? Sold over at Love Honey, this vibrator is dark and it may very will kill you! Not only is it waterproof but the 3-speed bullet also crawls out of a coffin. A coffin! Shudder. Price: $18.00.

2. Inflatable Vixen

Inflatable Vixen

Ever want to feel like a tennis ball is up your hoo-ha? Then the Inflatable Vixen from Yiffy Toys is the sex toy for you! Well, unless you aren’t into canine sex toys. You read it right. With just seven pumps, you can enjoy a canine-sized penis. Scooby would be shaking his head. Ruh roh. Price: $289.00.

3. The Cannon

The Cannon

If you’re vagina needs a shock, and perhaps a trip to the ER, The Cannon is the sex toy for you! Available on Amazon.com, The Cannon measures in at 13 inches long and 10.5 inches wide. I repeat, 10.5 inches in girth. Did your vagina just clench? Price: $142.99.

4. Jackhammer Jesus

Jackhammer Jesus

Jesus, Mary and Joseph! This dildo of Jesus on the cross will have you screaming, “Oh God! Oh God!” Available at Divine Intervention in five colors (maybe you’re a pink Jesus gal), the 7 ½ inch dildo is made of high quality silicone. We’ll pray for you. Price: $65.00.

5. Bad Vibes Talking Vibrator

Bad Vibes - Talking Vibrator

This vibrator isn’t scary in size but it is verbally insulting! A real-talking vibrator found on Boxergifts.com, the man’s voice gives various excuses for not wanting to get freaky with you. One of his excuses: “Hell, can’t you get a real man?” How rude! Price: $10.00.

6. Drill-A-Hole Fucking Kit

Drill-A-Hole Fucking Kit

Some women tire of a traditional vibrator. They want more power, baby! Enter the Drill-A-Hole. You attach a dildo to this industrial power tool and enjoy as it spins at several hundred RPMs. Just make sure you are fully lubricated. You don’t want your vajayjay to spontaneously combust. 

7. Bam Realistic Dildo

Bam Realistic Dildo

Do you know who Bam is? No? Well, this dildo from Adam and Eve is made from his likeness. It’s 12 inches long and 2 ½ inches thick of scary. The raised veins make it come to life. When it does awaken you can stick it on your wall and go to town. Yes, it has a suction cup. Yes, your vagina may cry for mercy. Price: $79.95.

8. Orbite Pleasures Playful Large Butt Plug

Orbite Pleasures Playful Large Butt Plug

Pretty in pink, the Orbite Pleasures Playful Large Butt Plug by Love Honey goes up your butt. But don’t let the color fool ya. There is nothing dainty about it. Measuring at 2 ¾ inches tall, it looks as large as a crystal ball. What’s in your future? Lots and lots of pain and some not-so-sexy surprises. Price: $18.00.

9. Cup Nude

Cup Nude

In college, we all had a warm cup of Cup a Noodles, especially frat boys. Now as adults these very same frat guys can enjoy a vagina in a cup when they get extra lonely. Cup Nude also comes with a packet of “Gently Acid Lotion.” There’s nothing gentle about “acid.” How terrifying! Price; $5.00.

Sujeiry Gonzalez, coined the “Latina Carrie Bradshaw,” is a relationship writer and author of Love Trips: A Collection of Relationship Stumbles. The 2013 Love Guru on Exitos 93.9FM provides relationship advice daily on LoveSujeiry.com.