The Married Woman's Guide to Spicing Up Your Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day Couple Guide

No matter if this is your first Valentine’s Day as a married couple or your 15th holiday together, it’s time to step your game up and bring the heat. Say no to romantic dinners at your favorite restaurant followed by red velvet cake. You do that all the time.

Here are seven ways to spice up your V-Day.

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Pretend Like You Just Met: You already know there’s nothing for you in these streets—that’s why you got married. Invite him to meet you at an expensive restaurant and sit at the bar. Wear all of his faves: the dress, the heels and the fragrance. You’re not allowed to talk about the kids, bills, or laundry. It’s a game of pretend, so “act” like someone else. Sexy code names are required.

Watch & Learn: If making it rain at the strip club with Big Booty Diamond is not your thing and 30 minutes of twerkin’ is your limit, that’s okay. Make plans to check out her cousin who does burlesque — Dita Von Tease — instead. The best performances include drama, high art, comedy, aerial stunts or parody, and are usually less expensive than the strip club since no one is trying to stunt with bottle service and lap dances.

Throwback Playlist: Everybody likes a lil’ nostalgia, especially when his or her favorite tunes are involved, and no, they don’t all have to be love songs. If your significant other isn’t mushy or about that slow jam life, fire up those DJ skills to curate a playlist (or two) from the musical era or genre of choice. Partial to freestyle? You can’t go wrong with hits from TKA.

Twenty (Dirty) Questions: Grab those Post-Its that you normally use as reminders to walk the dog and wash the dishes for a game of sexy questions. Twenty might be doing the most, but 10 are definitely doable. Each person takes five stickies and writes a dirty question on each one. Drop them into a bowl. Shake it up. Then ask and perform each one. Don’t forget to include a few props!

Netflix & Chill: If you’re single looking for a relationship, then Netflix & Chill is bad move. But when you’re married? You can end the night with a happy and ending and not worry if the other person text you tomorrow with: New phone. Who dis? Take things up a notch and Google the steamiest sex scenes on Netflix and act out your favorite ones. Note: Stay away from Y Tu Mamá Tambien, if you don’t need a third person, or maybe you do. We’re not judging you.

Put Hands on Each Other: Want the gift that keeps on giving? Find a live massage workshop class. Many are taught in a group setting and completely G-rated. Take the skills that soothe sore muscles, stiff necks and aching backs — back to your bedroom or better yet, your bathtub.

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Back Seat of the Jeep: You don’t actually need a jeep for this one, even if LL Cool J said it’s the best place to swing an episode. The goal here to find an empty street, park the car, hop in the back seat and act like horny ass teenagers who don’t know any better. First base is good. Second base is even better. But third? Pump your breaks. In some states getting busted having sex in a public place is a misdemeanor. Save the homerun for, you know, home.