The Perfect V-day Treat: Sex Tart

I'm not really sure how I've been convinced to share this top secret Valentine’s Day recipe of mine, but it might have something to do with the fact that it really worked. I made this sex tart for a chica I'd been after for a while. I was definitely trying to score with her, so my friend passed along this handy formula and assured me that if I made this tart, all my wildest dreams would come true. After a few modifications, I tried it out.

Wow, did it work! I wanted this girl to be falling all over me, and after she ate the tart she was totally mine. I'd recommend this for anyone who wants to make a simple yet effective romantic gesture. I cannot be held responsible for any wild behavior brought on by the delicious combination of chocolate, cheese and berries.


1 pie crust
1 stick cream cheese
Kahlua to taste
Bailey's Irish Cream to taste
1 tablespoon of unsalted butter
2 bars of your favorite dark chocolate
1 cup raspberries
1 cup blueberries
1/2 cup honey roasted almond flakes
Whipped Cream


1) In a food processor or blender combine cream cheese, Bailey's, and Kahlua. This should be to taste—you want it to be sweet and not taste too strongly of alcohol.

2) Heat pie crust for 5-10 minutes. Follow instructions on package.

3) In a small skillet over low fire, combine butter and chocolate. Stir constantly so that chocolate doesn't stick to pan while melting. Once chocolate is fully melted (right before it starts to bubble) pour into base of pie crust. Make sure chocolate is spread evenly and allow to cool (20-30 minutes).

4) Next, add cream cheese mixture into pie crust. Spread evenly over chocolate.

5) Cover the cream cheese layer with a generous amount of raspberries and blueberries.

6) Sprinkle almond flakes over entire tart and place in fridge to cool and settle for 45 min to an hour.

7) Serve cold with whipped cream.

See? It's so easy, even a guy can do it! Oh, and that girl? She's been my girlfriend ever since.

—Julio Figueroa