With less than 24 hours left until Election Day, celebs are feverishly stepping up to the mic in the hopes of swaying undecided voters. First came a pre-Halloween endorsement of Barack Obama by rock supergroup Maná, then a statement in support of John McCain by Maria Conchita Alonso, who wants you to know that "It is not too late to save this country from becoming socialist; leaders of countries like Cuba, Venezuela and all other enemies the USA have admitted that they would like Mr. O to win." (Actually, she said "Señor O." We're not kidding.)
Now, Latina.com has secured exclusive, down-to-the-wire and entirely hypothetical appeals from McCain proponent Daddy Yankee and Obama loyalist Fat Joe. If you thought these two were passionate when making their cases the first time around, get ready. We're pitting the silver-tongued MC's against one another via instant message, and the results promise to be even more heated and direct. Gentlemen, the floor is yours.
Daddy Yankee: Oye, Latinas! El Jefe here. Este...back in August, I shocked the globe--or at least, the part of it that realizes I'm still a huge star--by showing love for John McCain and representing for all Latinos who share his beliefs. Today, I ask you to stand beside me on Election Day and vote republicano también!
Fat Joe: First of all, can we fact check this clown? He can't even vote!
Daddy Yankee: I don't need to vote, Joe. I vote with my words, and the people follow. Same thing happens when I drop a record; it goes straight to the top of the charts. But you wouldn't know anything about that, would you?
Fat Joe: Touché. Alright, let's get back to the point. Latinas, stand uuuuuuup! It's your boy, Joe Crack, and I'm telling you one last time to please, for the love of Jesucristo, cast your vote for Barack Obama tomorrow. My man is for CHANGE. And change isn't just what we want or what we can believe in, it 's what we NEED.
Daddy Yankee: That doesn't even make sense.
Fat Joe: Oh, word? You got something better?
Daddy Yankee: Actually, yes. I want to talk about energy independence for a second...
Fat Joe: Here we go...
Daddy Yankee: Latinas, I know how much you love la gasolina. Well as McCain says, Drill, Baby, Drill! Feel me?
Fat Joe: That's just disgusting. Ladies, energy independence isn't about drilling more. It's about making it rain. We need to create viable, alternative sources of fuel and get those dollar bills flowing again. Barack wants to invest in clean coal and make American hybrid cars, so we can be a leader in the automobile industry.
Daddy Yankee: Would you ever drive a hybrid?
Fat Joe: Doesn't matter. We can't just rely on offshore drilling to solve our energy problems. With Obama's plan, we'll get 10% of our electricity to come from renewable sources by 2012 and reduce our carbon emissions 80% by 2050. What you got now, Mr. Can't Vote?
Daddy Yankee: Okay, smarty pants. Where is Obama going to find this money to "invest"? The country is broke. He's trying to spread the wealth when there's none to go around. No wonder Castro and Chavez want him to win...he's a socialista.
Fat Joe: Man, this is logic is so boneheaded, I can't even justify it with a response.
Daddy Yankee: So I win. McCain/Palin '08!
Fat Joe: You know, if you want your girl Sarah up in the White House, you should really be supporting Obama...
Daddy Yankee: I'm not falling for that...but wait, what do you mean?
Fat Joe: Fool, she doesn't want to play wingwoman to McCain. She wants to RUN the game.
Daddy Yankee: That's crazy. Sarita's too pretty for that.
Fat Joe: I know. What, you ain't heard about her "going rogue"? Bottom line, she wants McCain to lose so she can run in four years. You let a woman get too close, and all of the sudden she's up in your business.
Daddy Yankee: Well when you put it that way, it sounds a little sexist...pero no way should a woman be president. What is this, a free-for-all? On the real, if Hillary were running, I'd be pushing for McCain con mas ganas todavía.
Fat Joe: I'm sayin'.
Daddy Yankee: I don't know...I think you're just trying to appeal to my machista reggaetonero sensibilities. You may be right, but I'm not buying into it. There's too much at stake in this election.
Fat Joe: You mean the one you can't vote in?
Daddy Yankee: Wiseass. Latinas, if you're tired of schemers like this one who are all talk but have no hits--I mean, action--to back it up with, vote for John McCain. He's got the record and the experience, and most importantly, he can hold his own in a conversation about boxing. Name one self-respecting Latino who can't appreciate that.
Fat Joe: Famous last words. Mujeres, please vote for Barack Obama. McCain is no different from Bush, and the last 8 years have sucked. Do you want another 4-8 years of the same hot mess? It's really that simple.Thanks for hearing me out, and remember, if we all band together, we can "Make It Rain" one more time.
Daddy Yankee: That song wasn't even hot.
Fat Joe: I hate you.
[JoeyCHeartsObama has signed off.]
Daddy Yankee: That's right. Who's your Daddy? Me!
[Jefe4Lyfe has signed off.]