The Oscars are just around the corner and that can only mean one thing: It's time for Latina.com's Third Annual Lazzies awards! We've rounded up the absolute worst performances of 2009 for your comedic delight. From Cameron Diaz to Jennifer Lopez, no one is safe from the wrath of the Lazzies. Click through to check out the "winners," and be sure to let us know if we forgot any other notable Latinos who stunk up the silver screen or ruined your otherwise enjoyable TV watching experience.
Written by Mariela Rosario and Lee Hernandez
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“There’s Always Waitressing Award” for Worst actress – Movie
Cameron Diaz, The Box
In this ill conceived, by-the-numbers sci-fi thriller, a suburban wife and mother played by Cameron Diaz is faced with a moral quandary: To push or not to push a button that would instantly turn her into a millionaire while simultaneously causing the death of a total stranger. During the movie’s interminable two hour running time, Diaz ended up pushing all of our buttons, and not the right ones. From her bad southern accent, to the deer-caught-in-headlights facial expression she wore throughout the entire film, Diaz’s performance was more wooden than the mysterious box that held her fate.
“The John T. Leguizamo Award” for Worst actor – Movie
Walter Perez, Fame
A remake of the 1980 movie by the same name, Fame follows the lives of a group of gifted and talented kids who train at an elite New York City High School for the Performing Arts. As Victor Taveras, a musician from Spanish Harlem, Walter Perez proved beyond a reasonable doubt that you can’t convincingly play a gifted and talented artist if you’re not a gifted and talented actor. In one scene, Kelsey Grammer, who plays Taveras’s teacher in the movie, tells him, “You’ve got talent, let’s see what we can do with it.” Too bad the same isn’t true for Walter—at least not where his one-note performance in this horrible film is concerned.
“There’s Always Waitressing Award” for Worst actress – TV
Sara Paxton, The Beautiful Life
We were more than a little annoyed by Sara Paxton’s indulgent performance as fashion “It” girl and all-around humanitarian, Raina Collins, on The Beautiful Life. From the way she batted her eyelashes to the gentle, kind-hearted smile she flashed at friends and lovers alike, it felt like Sara was trying way too hard to be believable as a good girl with a heart of gold. Have you ever been to fashion week Sara? No model is that nice.
“The John T. Leguizamo Award” for Worst Actor – TV
Eddie Cibrian, Northern Lights
In this Lifetime movie—based on the novel by Nora Roberts—Eddie Cibrian confirmed what we’ve suspected all along: He’s just a pretty face. As Nate Burns, a police chief who falls in love with a mysterious woman named Meg (LeAnn Rimes) while investigating a murder mystery—Cibrian visibly struggled to portray his character’s feelings of regret over the loss of his partner. It’s a performance full of insincere moments, deprived of passion and charisma—sort of like the marriage he was in when he met Rimes on set. Only when he removed his shirt did he manage to focus our full attention.
“You Couldn’t Even Think of An Original Title?” Award for Worst Movie of the Year
Fast & Furious
We weren’t so sure what to expect going into this movie. Since the producers of this film removed two entire “the’s” from the title, clearly we knew that the fourth installment of this craptastic series was going to be a game changer. But then it was exactly like the first one, except (spoiler alert!) Michelle Rodriguez’s character Letty dies, giving Vin Diesel a good chance to flex his formidable acting muscles. So, clearly, that’s why they had to remove the “the’s.” We’re not Hollywood execs, but we would’ve at least had the decency to come up with an original title if we had made this film, just sayin’.
The Cecil B. Demented Award for Worst Directing
Franc Reyes, The Ministers
Oh Franc Reyes, you have escaped our ire for too long, my friend. You first caught the eyes of the Lazzie’s when you delivered Illegal Tender, a film so full of trite dialogue, predictable plotlines and crap acting that we forgot it just about as soon as it was done. Unfortunately for us, The Ministers has haunted us ever since we laid eyes on it. Your boy John T. Leguizamo tried his valiant best to save this film, but once we got to the scene in which his characters, twins Dante and Perfecto (yup, Perfecto) are fighting each other, we couldn’t help but dissolve into a fit of hysterical laughter. Not a good look, considering the film was billed as a psychological thriller. Even Harvey Keitel couldn’t save this film, which he obviously knew, given his phoned in performance.
“Setting Us Back Award” – Movies
Carlos Ponce, Couples Retreat
Carlos Ponce showed us all, um, a new side to himself in his role as an oversexed Latino yoga instructor in this ensemble comedy. But unfortunately for Latinos everywhere, Ponce felt the need to draw on every possible lame and tired stereotype of the Latin lover in order to get some laughs. We couldn’t help cringing during one scene in which he “stretches” the entire cast into very compromising positions. His incredible body—all taut and tan—is the only reason we’re not revoking his Latino card for grievous crimes against the culture.
“Setting Us Back” Award – TV
This Telemundo dating show, hosted by Penelope Menchaca, is based on the premise that our Zodiac signs help to determine our compatibility, and that is, believe or not, about the most plausible idea this horrible excuse for a television program has to stand on. Astrologist Edward’O (not Eduardo) starts the festivities off by offering each contestant advice based on their sign, and then the real fun begins. The men and women ridicule, objectify and attempt to gyrate themselves into each other’s hearts. Lucky for us, Telemundo just started offering the show with English subtitles…woo-to-the-hoo.
“Abuelita Would Be Ashamed” Award for Biggest Disappointment – Movie
Eva Mendes, Paz Vega, superheroes, cool costumes and Frank Miller’s direction. Sounds like an infallible combo, right? WRONG! Stiff dialogue and a preposterous plot line made this movie literally unwatchable. We might have more criticism if we knew one person who was actually able to sit through this entire film. We made it through about 25 minutes and felt like being stabbed in the eye by one of Plaster of Paris’s elaborate knives would’ve been a sweet reprieve. At least the horrible box office numbers assures us that this Spirit won’t be back to haunt us.
“Abuelita Would Be Ashamed” Award for Biggest Disappointment – TV
The Beautiful Life
At the CW Upfronts last year, The Beautiful Life was looking good. Show producer Ashton Kutcher used his celebrity and his previous TV success to promote the series, and the show promised a major comeback for actress Mischa Barton. But we were more excited about the supposed breakout performance of Mexicana Sara Paxton. Too bad it was an epic fail! Only 1.38 million viewers tuned in for the show’s premiere, and even less watched the second episode. The CW quickly cut its losses, canceling the series after just two episodes. They didn’t even bother to air the remaining four that were already shot. Ouch!
“Icky” Award for Worst Chemistry – Movie
Star Trek: Zoe Saldana & Zachary Quinto
Most guys, given the opportunity to make out with Zoe Saldana, would relish the moment with the gorgeous actress. But Zachary Quinto is not most guys. We get that he was supposed to play an emotionally reserved Vulcan; but when it came to the love scenes between Spock and Uhura, Quinto was more like dead on arrival.
“Icky” Award for Worst Chemistry – TV
Dexter: Lauren Velez & David Zayas
In previous seasons of Dexter, Lauren Velez’s character, Maria Laguerta, found herself pining away for major hotties like Miguel Prado (Jimmy Smits) and Dexter himself (Michael C. Hall). But in season four, Laguerta got her freak on with Sgt. Angel Batista (David Zayas). Maybe it was the corny sweet nothings they whispered in Spanish to each other, or the fact that she always made him café con leche after sex—whatever, it was gross. And even more disgusting? It’s not over. Look for the Laguerta/Batista romance to continue on the next season of Dexter; but don’t expect us to watch. We’ll be too busy throwing up.
“We Want our Money Back!” Award for Most Overhyped Movie of the Year
All the glitter, all the hype, all the promos and the press, and then Robert Marshall delivered… this?!?!? We blame ourselves. We should’ve known that a musical movie based on a musical theatre piece that was sort of based on a classic Italian film would work itself into knots. Daniel Day Lewis couldn’t even eek out an Oscar nom for this role, and normally all he has to do is show up on set to be nominated so you know it’s serious. At least Nine crashed and burned in the most gorgeous and glamorous way possible. After months of hearing Penelope Cruz talk about how hard it is to swing from ropes while remaining sexy and one unfortunate Kate Hudson music video later, we can all put this overly acted, overly produced, slick mess behind us.
“No Espeak Espanish” Award
Christina Milian, Bring It On 5: Fight to the Finish
We didn’t go into this film expecting much. (I mean, come on: It’s Bring It On 5 and it went straight to DVD.) But we watched it anyway because we wanted to support our girl Christina Milian. Too bad the dialogue left us with the desire to rip our ears off. And it only got worse once Milian tried to imbue her character, Lina Cruz, with some East LA authenticity by garbling words in Spanish. When Milian utters the films catch phrase “Bring it” in Spanish, (“Tráelo”) and her nemesis responds, “Sorry, I don’t speak Taco Bell,” we almost threw our flat screen out the window for crimes against humanity. Real talk.
“I Only Know How to Play Myself” Lifetime Underachievement Award
When Michelle Rodriguez burst onto the scene in Girlfight, we were taken aback by her refreshing performance: A tough girl overcoming the odds with her own grit and determination; not her good looks and ability to land a cute guy! But that was ten years ago, and ever since we’ve been waiting for Rodriguez to bust out of the “tough girl” typecast. Good thing we haven’t been holding our breath, eh? In role after role, Rodriguez seems to play a slightly altered version of herself, even down to her clothing! Do they even have to call in wardrobe? It’s our bad for expecting something different in Avatar. Sigh.
“What the Hell Are You, Anyways?” Award for Annoyingly Ambiguous Ethnicity
Gossip Girl: Jessica Szhor
Is Vanessa Abrams (the character played by Jessica Szhor on Gossip Girl), a light skinned black girl, a dark-skinned white girl, or a Latina? We’d pay good money for the answer to that question, because frankly, we can’t figure it out. And apparently, neither can the Gossip Girl writers. Szhor’s been on Gossip Girl for three seasons now, and though they cast Gina Torres as her mother, Abram’s ethnicity has never been revealed—despite the fact that she’s the only non-white character on the show!
Worst Reality TV Train Wreck
Shayne Lamas, Leave it to Lamas
After seeing her hot messitude on the 12th season of The Bachelor: London Calling, we thought Shayne Lamas had demonstrated her embarrassing worst. Boy, were we ever wrong! When Leave It to Lamas aired on the E! network last fall, we saw an even crazier side of the blonde bimbo: the Shayne who cries hysterically when she doesn’t get her way and who has taken the term “media whore” to a whole new level. Homegirl even released a statement to E! News right after being arrested on suspicion of DUI charges in Venice before any reporters even knew of her legal transgression—essentially breaking the news of her drinking and driving all on her own. Anything for 15 more minutes, right?
“Lifetime Cheeseball” Award
Remember how corny it was when Mario Lopez danced his way around the Max and into our hearts like a graceful ballerina, tights and all, on Saved by the Bell? The tights might be gone, but Mario continues to exhibit the kind of behavior that helped us all know, and love, AC Slater. The professional celebrity ass-kisser is neck and neck with Matthew McConaughey in the “Who Can Get Photographed Most Without a T-shirt” race, and as the host of NBC’s Extra, he’s cockier and cheesier than ever before! Twenty years and counting of enduring corniness, Mario. Impressive, indeed.
“You’re Lucky You’re Hot” Award for Most Embarrassing Media Gaffe
You make one little rape joke and everyone freaks out…or at least they’re supposed to. If anyone besides Sofia Vergara made the idiotic joke about being raped on The View that she did, they’d have been crucified. But due, we suspect, to Vergara’s atomic levels of hotness, the whole world let it slide. Except maybe her Modern Family co-star Julie Bowen, who positively trashed the Colombian hottie on Chelsea, Lately, calling her cholo Barbie and joking that she couldn’t walk into a restaurant without every dish washer coming out to say hi. But it seems like nothing can bring the insanely gorgeous Sofia Vergara down these days. She’s a regular scene-stealer on a hit comedy show, and is looking hotter than ever.