Movie Review: <i>The Love Guru<i>

Maybe it was all that Shrek money that blunted Mike Myers' comedic talents, or maybe it took a fatal blow sometime during the 30th midget joke in the Austin Powers sequels. Either way, one thing is clear: There's so much dead air in the painfully unfunny The Love Guru that it could qualify as a funeral for Myers' creativity.

As Pitka, an American-born, Indian-raised guru, Myers preens and simpers and winks like Austin Powers in a beard, generally asking the audience to let him get away with the bare minimum: endless penis, ethnic and midget jokes only a 12-year-old boy would love. This is what passes for edge in the comedian's head these days.

The movie's plot, such as it is, is this: The Toronto Maple Leafs are in the Stanley Cup finals, but their star player Darren Roanoke (Romany Malco) has been choking ever since his wife left him for the opposing team's goalie, a ridiculously well-endowed guy nicknamed "Le Coq" (a wasted Justin Timberlake). If Pitka can get the couple back together and the Leafs win the cup, Pitka can finally get on Oprah and overtake Deepak Chopra as the #1 guru.

As the team's owner, Jessica Alba is surprisingly lifelike in spurts, though like everyone else in the movie, she's on the sidelines: it's Mike Myers' world, bitches, and you're just living in it. A notable exception is a cameo by Stephen Colbert as a drug-addled sportscaster, who delivers a huge jolt to the movie whenever he's on screen.

Damarys Ocaña