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Time Machine: What better way to show Jennifer how far she's come then to remind her of where she started? So we recommend the In Living Color DVD Box Set, so she can relive all the bad hair, spandex leotards and questionable dance moves. Still, the spark of celebrity within Jennifer was always apparent. It just took a team of stylists, vocal coaches and choreographers to bring it out.
Señora Doubtfire: Jennifer has her hands full these days with her newborn twins Max and Emme, and since she and hubby Marc Anthony, claim they're raising their babies without the help of a nanny. Riiight. Well, if that is indeed the case, we'd like to give Jennifer a hand on the home front by getting her her very own nanny--someone to keep the babies fed, burped, diapered and ready for hand-off whenever Jennifer is ready for them, so she can get her kids all the way to college without ever breaking a perfectly-manicured nail. Of course, Nanny will have to be an old, gray-haired type so there's never a risk that she'll catch Marc's eye.
The Music Men: Let's face it, she may have yachts, jets and minks galore, but the one thing Jennifer hasn't had in a long time is a hit single. That's why we're giving her a gift certificate for one studio session with multi-platinum hitmakers Timbaland and Justin Timberlake. If it worked for Madonna, it should certainly work for our girl.
On the 6: We know Jennifer likes to keep it real, but let's face it: she gave up interacting with us little people a long time ago. So in order to keep Jenny from the Block connected to her roots without having to mingle with regular folk, we present her with her very own private car on the 6 train, the New York City subway line that takes her from her posh penthouse in Lower Manhattan, up to her mami's house in the Bronx. Jennifer's car will feature seats upholstered by Roberto Cavalli, Jo Malone candles to burn away the smell of the working class and, of course, buckets of chilled champagne.
Kills Shutterbugs Dead: Rumors of crazy diva behavior seem to fly around Jennifer like mosquitos, so to keep those gossip-mongers at bay, we formulated a can of fast-acting Rumor Repellent. One spray of this powerful stuff will make headlines like "Jennifer Lopez Hires Masseuse for Newborn Twins" disappear. It also works double-duty to ward off unwanted paparazzi, and kill any photos taken from unflattering angles.