LATINOMETER Naomi Campbell

Latino fever is running rampant these days, and nobody's got it worse than Naomi Campbell. The British supermodel and champion Blackberry-thrower has been stepping out with a Latin billionaire, vacationing with Shakira, and practically moved to Brazil in an effort to join our club. But no matter how long Naomi marinates herself in latinidad, she must pass our rigorous audit before we can give her Honorary Latina status. We've broken down Naomi's vital stats to determine her score on the Latinometer...

LIABILITIES

  • She's freaking loca. Tossing cell phones at her maids, spitting on cops, causing a ruckus in first class—Naomi has some anger management issues, and frankly, we're a little scared of her.
  • Is BFF's with erratic and eccentric Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez.
  • Was rejected as a blood donor by the Brazilian government during the country's recent dengue fever crisis, making us wonder what they found in the sample.
  • Has allegedly used the phrase "F*cking white honky." Not fierce, Naomi.
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    ASSETS

  • Is an endless source of chisme and ay-dios-mios.
  • Can probably pronounce feiojada.
  • Not too posh to have abdominal surgery in a Brazilian hospital. That takes, uh, guts.
  • Her attempts at charity work in Brazil may leave us scratching our heads, but we guess it's nice of her to try.
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    THE VERDICT: FAIL!
    We appreciate Naomi's effort to channel her inner Latina, but homegirl is still a bit too unstable for us. We suggest she get herself some therapy and re-apply when she's in a happier place.

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