In a world where celebrity babies won't even exit the womb for less than a couple of million dollars, the competition for post-natal superstardom is stiffer than ever. But while only-children like Honor Marie Warren, Harlow Kate Winter Madden and Max Liron Bratman warrant mere pocket change for an exclusive cover photo, the real power lies in twos—twins, that is.
Crawling their way to the top of the food chain are Max and Emme Lopez-Anthony, and Knox and Vivienne Jolie-Pitt. These dynamic duos rule the roost amongst Hollywood's celebutots, but they are as different as night and day. There's only room for one pair at the top, so who will win the Battle of the Celebrity Twins?
ROUND ONE: Cover Story
Million-dollar paychecks from magazines for the first pictures of celebrities with their babies is nothing new, but both the Lopez-Anthony and Jolie-Pitt twins broke records with their asking prices: $6 million and $14 million, respectively. So, eight figures trump seven, right? Not so fast. In spite of heavy anticipation and the astronomical price tag, the Jolie-Pitt cover was a newsstand bomb, selling just 2.5 million copies (well under the projected 3 million). Comparatively, the cover with J. Lo and her babies sold a close 2.2 million—almost as much as the Jolie-Pitt cover for less than half the cost. Looks like Jennifer's boricua babes bring more bang for the buck.
WINNER: Max and Emme, for under-promising and over-delivering.
ROUND TWO: What's in a Name?
Outdoing each other with crazy baby names has almost become sport amongst Hollywood's chicest celebs, and an appropriately "creative" moniker can almost pre-ordain a celebrity baby's future social standing. Apple Martin? A soon-to-be hippie. Prince Michael Jackson? Well, you get the idea. That's why we were so surprised when the Queen of Fabulous Jennifer Lopez (whose own true diva identity had been concealed all those years by a boring name) decided to go safe with Max and Emme.
But, in-depth investigation reveals to us that these two are a little more dulce de leche than plain vanilla: Max is really Maximillian David and Emme is Emme Maribel, and both tots use Mark's real surname, Muñiz.
On the other hand, Brangelina continued their trend of deeply chic baby names by dubbing their twins Vivienne Marcheline and Knox León, honoring grandparents on both sides of the family tree as well as Angie's French roots. Original without being embarassingly self-indulgent.
WINNER: Knox and Viv. Even though Maximillian David and Emme Maribel are marginally better than simply Max and Emme, it seems like Jennifer spent more time picking out the names of her fragrances than of her babies.
ROUND THREE: Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous
Sure, photo shoots, interviews, and dealing with intrusive paparazzi can be tiring for a newborn, but if you're the spawn of the rich and famous, luxury is all you know. Max and Emme have spent their first few months jetsetting around the globe in mami and papi's private plane, hitting up Belgium, Italy, Spain and a host of other European hotspots. Even when they're spending quiet evenings at home in their nursery, they have the attention of bodyguards, baby masseuses, and a color therapist who decides on everything from the hue of their walls to their (Egyptian cotton) linens, all chosen for maximum comfort and intelligence-building capabilities.
Knox and Viv, on the otherhand, live decidedly more simple lives. Not that they're slumming it at Chateau Miraval, their 35-bedroom French estate, but the domestic help leaves much to be desired. According to reports, Brangelina have employed the child labor of their other children (Maddox, Pax, Zahara and baby Shiloh) for things like diaper changing and burping. No masseuses. No color therapists. Not even a professional rattle-shaker. Well, maybe those poor babies can use that seven-figure salary to hire some real help.
WINNER: Max and Emme, because we'd much rather read about spoiled kids than boring, well-behaved children.
FINAL TALLY: Blessed as Brangelina's spawn are, we gotta give this one to Max and Emme. We're way more curious to see how these two are going to grow up (especially when they're old enough to fake-ID their way into the clubs), than watching Knox and Viv carry the torch of their parents' endless humanitarian missions.