10 Quick Ways To Become An American

Countless immigrants become naturalized U.S. citizens on July 4th. Getting a piece of paper is one thing, but to fully become a true American it takes a lot of elbow grease and pent-up rage (like a lot of rage). Here we present 10 Quick Ways to Become an American—it’s easier than making Drake cry. 

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Blame Immigrants For Everything

If you lose your job—blame immigration. If your car gets stolen—blame immigration. If your favorite sports team loses—blame immigration. If you cheat on your husband—blame immigration. You’re an American now, so you’re not guilty of your own actions. 

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Only Vacation Within the U.S. 

Forget about visiting your homeland. You’re an American now and we only vacation within the States. You want a beach? Go to Florida. You want culture? Go to New York. You want visit a strange land? Go to Hollywood. 

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Buy a Cadillac

A Cadillac is a classic American-made car. Here’s the one dilemma, once you own one, you must resist the urge to add hydraulics and turn it into a lowrider. We know it’s hard. 

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Only Speak English

Spanish is all-good for Latin America but you’re in the real America now! If you’re spoken to in Spanish, ignore and respond, “I don’t speak Mexican.” You’re an American now, damn it!

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Hate Futbol But Love Football

You were your neighborhood’s best goalkeeper in your native Latin American country. Forget about that nonsense here. Real football is played with a pigskin and real football players are overweight and juiced up on steroids. 

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Get Fat

It’s easy! Eat like an American. McDonald’s, KFC, pizza, and, of course, Taco Bell. What’s American food without processed, unauthentic Mexican food? Exactly. Now, eat up it’s your right as an American citizen. 

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Marry an American

It’s the traditional way for non-U.S. citizens to gain access to the ol’ Red, White, and Blue. Flirt or pay (wink!) your way into Mr. or Mrs. Smith’s pants and you’ll be on your way to becoming a red-blooded American. 

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Become a Republican

See Marco Rubio or Arnold Schwarzenegger. 

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Hate Everything Non-American

If it’s not American, it’s not for you. As matter of fact you despise anything or anyone not made within the 50 states. Say goodbye to your Juanes’ tunes and appreciation for Pablo Picasso’s art. 

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Watch Fox News

Fox News encompasses everything you should know as a new American—politics, current affairs, etc. Oh, and they’ll show you how to correctly undermine Pres. Barack Obama’s actions.