“Instead of a cemetary where my mom is resting, the kids and I call it 'Momma’s Garden." It was mainly for the fans, and it’s in Long Beach, because that’s where my mom was born. We don’t really go as often as we would like, because it’s difficult to sit there and really spend that quality time with her, because there’s constantly people going. I have never been there just for 10 minutes and someone doesn’t come and bring her flowers; she’s never missing flowers, which is beautiful to me. But I don’t think we’re going to go on December 9th because I think there’s going to be a lot of people there. We’re going to be at our house, which is where I feel her the best; it’s where I feel that she is. I invited family members and we’re just going to eat and listen to her music and watch her favorite movies. We’re gong to be in pajamas all day and be there with her.
Last year we weren’t even really able to mourn, because my mom always taught us that in front of everyone we must be strong and represent her well. And I feel that on that day we haven’t really been able to just let it all out, so we’re hoping that on this anniversary (the second anniversary) we can actually just cry if we have to. Now, we just want to be ourselves, whatever emotions—let the emotions just take over, and that’s why we’re excited. I have completely blocked out December 9th and 10th because I don’t know how I’ll feel and I’m not doing absolutely anything those two days.
A song I remember my mom by is one she dedicated to me, “By Your Side” by Sade. I feel like it’s her talking to me, and basically it says that she would never leave my side, and even when I thought she did, she never really did, and even now that she’s not here physically, she’s still with me. She’s helping me through so much and that’s truly how I feel. And precisely on that day, it was about three months ago, I was taking Johnny to school, and he was asleep in the passenger seat, and I was driving, crying thinking about her, and the radio was off. When I turned on the radio, it was on her favorite station—it was on The Wave on 94.7—and that song came out, and I feel like she speaks to me through her music. And that day I really felt like it was her, I really felt it in my heart, and I cried more but it made me feel better because it made me feel like no matter what I’m going through and no matter how much I miss her, she’s still with me.
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