When the first Dolores Dice column appeared in the May 1998 issue of Latina, I had no idea it would be going strong for so long. I just want to take a moment to thank you for sharing your problemas, big and small, existential and non-existent, with me. I hope that throughout these many years, my comments have helped, enlightened or entertained you in some way. I know I have enjoyed every minute of it and hope we can continue to put up with each other for ten more years.
After a decade of reading thousands of your letters, I’ve learned a few things. The most important of all is that there’s one universal consejo all women should heed every time they feel their world is collapsing because of some stupid boyfriend or marido’s done them wrong: M’ijas, get a life!
To mark the occasion, and because many of you were probably in grammar school when this column first appeared, we are reprinting three of my all-time-favorite letters from past issues of Latina magazine. Remember, if you need advice just email me at firstname.lastname@example.org!
-Let’s party, D
JUST LIKE A VIRGIN
I recently broke up with my boyfriend of a year and a half because he cheated on me. Now that I’m dating again, I have to face the challenges of being a 24-year-old virgin in a sex-driven world. How and when should I “break the news” to someone I start to date?
-Scared to Date in the ‘90s in Chicago
Chica, you gotta stop talking about virginity as if it were a disease or a handicap. It’s just a stage in a woman’s life that end when she says it does, according to her values and beliefs. When the issue comes up, just let him know matter-of-factly. If he can’t appreciate the gift, then he doesn’t deserve to unwrap it.
-Take it easy, D
DIVINE SECRETS OF THE MACHO BROTHERHOOD
I have two questions: One, how come I only meet guys at parties? And two, why does it take a guy so long to call after you meet him?
-Lonely Latina on the ‘Net
1. Maybe because you only go out to parties? 2. It’s a scientific mystery. The number of days men wait to call you varies from city to city, from town to town. It changes from summer to winter. It’s based on a convoluted mathematical formula that stumps many women, but I understand it goes something like this: Guys multiply the degree of coolness they want to project by the weight of their fear of commitment; divide the results by their angle on any expectation you may have manifested upon meeting; and then subtract the depth of their desire to get you in the sack. The resulting figure is the number of days they’ll wait to call you. Some guys are no Einsteins and can’t figure it out. Those are the ones who never call. It has nothing to do with you.
-Go the library for more research. You may meet someone there, D
AND A DOWN-HOME REMEDY
Dear Dolores: Is it true that a shot of tequila can help relieve a headache? If so, please give me the details.
-Latina Hoopster in Texas
Dear Latina Hoopster:
It is true that if you gulp down two shots of tequila, the headache may or may not go away, but either way, you won’t give a hoot. It also works for states of confusion and bad hair days.