"American Idol" Week 2: Invasion of the Embarrassing Latinos

I thought I'd have to wait until next week's Puerto Rico auditions to see wannabe Latino singers making fools of themselves on American Idol. I thought wrong. The San Francisco and Louisville auditions brought out some real stinkers amidst the gems. Usually I fast forward through these people with my eyes closed, but since they were disproportionately bicultural, it was my obligation to watch, listen and recoil in horror. (You're welcome!)

First up was boricua Tatiana Del Toro, who was so eager to show up in front of the judges in her tulle-spewing dress, she skipped her native country's auditions and headed for the Bay. From the moment she squealed "Hola, encantaaada!" at the cameras, I knew disaster was near. I don't know what was worse: her "dress," her decision to cover Aretha Franklin (even Aretha can't live up to Aretha these days!), or that hideous, hideous hyena laugh. Watch it here, if you dare.

Next was 29-year-old Jesus Valenzuela. Though he was exceptionally cute, and he brought his exceptionally cute sons in to plead his case, there was no saving papi's Hollywood chances after he delivered Usher's "Nice and Slow" with a total lack of charisma: "It's 7 o'clock, on the dot, I'm in my drop, top!" Eeeesh.

I haven't been able to find a video of this week's third horrendous Latino contestant, Rebecca Garcia. Consider yourselves lucky, because I'm still trying to erase the trauma. All I can say is, Joanna Pacitti and Alexis Grace, bless your hearts for bringing some real talent to Idol this week.

Next Thursday, the audition train pulls up in San Juan, and I'll be back with a full report on the best talent to come through. Here's hoping they do!