RIP: Adan Gonzalez

They say you don’t know a good thing until you lose it. They say we ponder alternate endings and question whether we showed the people we lost how much we really loved them. They are right. It's all I'm thinking about right now.

I close my eyes and remember his bright smile, full head of hair and hearty laugh, instead of the pain and fear he must have felt when he was brutally beaten and stabbed. I think of him—Adan Gonzalez, my friend and ex lover—and wonder. Did I ever say I love you? Did I show you how much I appreciated your support, admiration and comfort? I hope I did, because now it's too late.

I don’t know how to cope with losing someone who I shared my body and soul with. I don’t know how to handle losing a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, a supportive fan, and the only man I have ever been able to maintain a friendship with after a romantic relationship. All I have now is memories and what ifs. What if I would have called him that night and asked him to meet with me? I almost did, but decided not to. Would he still be here?

They say when a person dies, no matter how different the journey, the ending is the same. I hope they are right. I hope it was his time to become one of God’s angelitos and that he is watching me at this moment, as I write this with a heavy heart. I hope he feels special and knows how much I love him. May you rest in peace, Adan.