As if Perez Hilton needs help promoting anything related to his ever- expanding brand, but I must admit—I’m thoroughly enjoying his publishing debut, the bible to fame whoredom coming out tomorrow called Red Carpet Suicide: A Survival Guide on Keeping Up With The Hiltons (Celebra, $24.95). From posting a grainy sex video online, driving wasted against oncoming traffic, or flashing for the cameras, Perezito (with Life & Style Weekly’s Jared Shapiro) provides 12 easy tips on how to become the consummate Hollywood trainwreck.

Here’s a teaser:

Tara Reid’s Liquid Diet: Imagine a crowd of horny frat boys chanting “Chug! Chug! Chug!” This is your support group. Beer has barley, wheat, corn, and rice, and it’s a great source of semen (eventually)—all part of your complete breakfast. And since liquid breaks down so much quicker than solids, it’s basically perfect.

Ha! Now remember, this is all a satire. Please, I beg of you, don’t take his advice literally. Does the world really need another Tara Reid? Didn’t think so.