Dear Dolores:

I’m 19 years old and have a huge problem with my vato. We’d been dating for about 10 months but, as you know, Mexicans from Mexico are
different when it comes to relationships. They are very jealous and don’t let their novias have friends, hang out with amigas or go to dances, all of which I love doing. I did everything he asked, and now that we have broken up I  don’t know what to do with myself.

—Nikki in Wichita Falls, TX

Dear Dolores:

I’m 21 years old, and about a year ago I got out of a very possessive relationship. Now I’m beginning a new one and my new pareja seems to have the same tendencies that my old boyfriend had. Both of them come from Mexico and they have a different way of thinking about dating. I really want this relationship to work and I’m willing to make compromises. What should I do?

—Wanting to Make It Work in L.A.

Dear Nikki, Wanting and a dozen other similarly culture-shocked mujeres:

As you can see by Nikki’s letter, compromising doesn’t help. There’s only so much smothering you can take. You are all young, with la vida por delante. You should be having fun, not sitting by the window waiting, like a dog, to be taken out now and then for a run in the park. We all understand that newcomers, especially those from small towns, bring their costumbres along with the family pictures. Many of us went through that at some point. But for young Latinas born or raised here, this situation is a challenge (as if it weren’t hard enough already to find a good guy!). We’ve struggled to overcome barriers imposed by our own tradiciones to move ahead and participate fully in this society. As I see it, accepting the limited roles women were assigned in the past is una traición to everything Latinas have achieved in the last 40 years. I know it is one more burden on us (sigh—a woman’s work is never done . . .), but I guess the only solution is to have patience and help guide newcomers toward an understanding of the culture in which they now live. If they refuse to move forward, run and leave them behind; go dancing instead.

—Freedom is not for sale, D