Dolores dice...Talk is Dirt Cheap

Dear Dolores:

I don’t seem to be able to satisfy my boyfriend sexually. I’ve tried everything, but it’s of no use. He wants me to talk dirty to him, but I’m kind of clueless in that department. What am I supposed to say? Ayúdame, please!

—Lil’ Help Here, San Juan Capistrano, CA

Dear Lil’ Help:

Sorry, m’ija, but the vocabulario you need cannot be printed here. You must do your own research and development. Some “dirty” words may be one man’s turn-on and another man’s bucket of ice water. And, if not delivered properly, they can make you burst into laughter at a totally inappropriate moment, which could deflate his ego beyond repair. So, find out what he likes to hear you say. It’s not that difficult. There are three broad categories, each with three variations (hot-dirty, dirty-dirty and nasty-dirty), but they go like this, more or less: “You’re the Master of the Universe,” “I’m Your Wicked Witch of the West,” “These Boots Are Made for Walking.” Sound effects are a must.

—Enjoy, D