Dear Jennifer Lopez

Ay, chica. I have one word for you: Feliz! That’s right, girl, I am happy! You look mahvelous, dahling. Simply bella, bella, bella! I have to say, sometimes—with your hair slicked back in your signature severe bun, your eyebrows arched all menacingly, your gaze super fierce with ambition—you scare me. But here, with your hair so full and your long bangs gracefully grazing your soft eyes, you look like a girl I would talk to; a girl I wouldn’t be afraid would kick my ass back to the block from which I came. You look like a pretty cool chick. Bravo!

Now, a word about your latest single…

Love, Someone Who Means Well